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Podcast Dreams

I am still getting ready to start my podcast. I decided a year ago to start. Then the pandemic hit and mine, like everyone else’s world, was turned upside down, from learning to work from home to not seeing my family and friends. About the time I was adjusting to the new world, depression set in and I could not find a balance. I’ve been depressed before. It can be debilitating or it can just derail me. I was happy to be home more, but not happy that I had to be home. Not being able to go out and just have fun was and still is very hard.

The old year ended and still I did not start the podcast. This made me more depressed. There is some fear, fear of not knowing what the hell I am doing. That’s not new. I’m always doing things that I have never done before. I now wear socks that I made. That’s right, I can knit! One the scale of beginner, intermediate, expert, I am definitely a beginner. But are you wearing socks you made? It is a fun new hobby. It is relaxing and probably that’s why I am not wearing a sweater that I made. It takes a lot of yarn to make a sweater. I think the average cost will be about $100 per sweater. I will totally look like a girl with very expensive tastes, huh?

So the fear of doing something new is just what you get when you decide that you are going to do something new. That is not a problem, just a process. I am still learning. I have found that my headset is dead. First it fell apart, then it quit working. I spend my last zoom meeting holding on to the cord at the jack and spinning it around and around to try to keep a connection. Wow. So there is still some equipment that I need. This blog is being written from my new computer. That was one goal I accomplished during all the sitting around at home. I have tried very hard not do to my work work on this one so that I have lots of memory to download whatever I need to download to record, edit, and launch my podcast.

Now I have to start looking at costs. How much does it really cost to host a podcast? I don’t have a clue. I turned 59 a week ago. I am still an old lady trying to learn all about the new digital world. Trust me, learning to knit was much more my speed. I picked a podcast name, developed my avatar, bought a new computer, a microphone, and a baby mixer board, still so much to learn and do. Baby steps I keep telling myself. I haven’t heard anything like what I want to do. I have no fear there. But what I am going to podcast about isn’t new so it’s not like I have to reinvent the wheel or anything. I’m not looking at monetizing, nor am I looking for a national listening audience. I just like to talk and oh look, here is a whole venue made just for people like me, talkers. If you want to listen, cool!

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Pandemically Inclined

My head hurts. My heart hurts. My feet hurt. This pandemic has not been easy. Not that I have been through more then this one pandemic but I don’t think I expected that this was going to take such a toll on my health and my spirit.

I’ve tried so hard to keep my own spirit up. I’m still trying. I took up new hobbies. I read more than a few books. We’ve isolated ourselves, my husband and me. But you can just throw all that out the window. My job has forced me to spend many hours in the presence of others who may or may not be trying to be safe from the virus. I am not so much scared as I am angry about that one.

I am studying some new subjects. I like that. Not everyone will feel safe with my new knowledge, but that’s OK, I study for me not anyone else. I am also trying to learn excel….yeah, that just sucks so bad. Not that the subject is difficult, I haven’t gotten that far into the course yet…I just cannot sit down and make myself do the work. I’m even paying for this course on my own, not a free class. I don’t like wasting money, yet here I am with a few minutes of free time…writing. Ah well, I’ll blame it on the pandemic.

I am writing on my new computer. I needed this piece of equipment to get serious about my podcast. Did I say that yet? I am going to start recording a podcast. I am not committed yet to a host company for the podcast and now I am scared again. I know that it will cost money so I want to choose wisely.

I bought the microphone and teeny tiny mixer board already….not that I have even opened the boxes yet. But I am starting to get excited about this again. I totally wanted to be on the air by now but in March, when the world shut down, so did I. I am going to record, going to schedule and upload a podcast….I am not sure who will listen to me. I don’t know that anyone wants to hear what I have to say. It doesn’t matter.

The next thing I have to learn is how to marry my blog, my domain, and my podcast together. This is starting to sound like a job….but it is a job I want to do. All of this sounds like a hoot to me. It has for awhile. I don’t know how much longer everyone will have to stay away from each other, but I am tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen…I will happen. Plus, I have conscripted my daughter to help me. (I don’t think she knows it yet.) I ask questions and all of the sudden she is helping me with great suggestions….haha.

For now, I will just keep on keeping on….dreaming, hoping, putting ice on my foot, you know….

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Contemplation, Family, getting in shape, journaling, Life, lifecoaching, Me, Native American Women, Nature, running

One Month Later…

One month later.  I’m still at it.  I either walk or run/walk six mornings each week.  I still take one day off each week.  I don’t have a set day because of my crazy work schedule.  It’s the day that I have to leave to early to get a workout in before I have to go.  I still don’t like to get up in the mornings to workout.  I’m still not a morning person.

Oh, I try to make excuses.  My feet hurt, my ankle is twingy, my knees are sore.  I still go.  I really am proud of myself for keeping at it.  I write tonight because I already don’t want to get up in the morning and workout before I leave for a full day of meetings with 150 miles to drive, but I’ll get up.  It’s run day, so I will run.

I did add the second half of the course.  I was run/walking 1.57 miles each time and now I am up to the full 3.1 miles.  I thought I would give myself a week or so to acclimate to that distance but, who am I kidding.  It isn’t that far.  One day of running it and one day of walking it, my body knows what to do.

I’ve started buying the equipment.  You know, the arm band to hold my phone.  I am tired of a sweaty phone case because I have shoved it into the shoulder strap of my top.  I have added at least three pair of shoes my wish list.  I will have to get the warmer gear out soon.  I think I have at least a week of time left before I have to start dressing for much cooler weather.  I don’t mind that little nip in the air for running, for now.

I am having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the later sunrise and earlier sunset.  I don’t like the idea of running in the dark.  It isn’t like the city, where lights are everywhere.  No, this is the sticks, a yard light or two, some porch lights, then darkness.  It’s a quiet area, people wise.  It is a very active area for wild life.  I see foxes, deer, I hear coyotes, and owls.  Thankfully it is getting too cold for snakes to be out in the early morning, but you never know at this time of year.  And, let’s not talk about other people’s dogs that may or may not be leashed.  I will probably just stay inside to “run” on the elliptical unless it is a day that I don’t have to leave to early.  I’m not afraid of the dark, just the critters that roam the night.

I am already planning the workouts for the deep cold.  Walking won’t be a problem but I don’t know about running in really cold weather.  I’m not that addicted.  I don’t think that I will be by deep winter either.

I am thinking it is also time to start adding some weight training. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have time.  It has been a process to add time to walk and to run.  Now I have to figure out how to add that critical weight training.  I have to figure out the time.  I still don’t want to be a morning person, but right now, it is the most logical time to lift.  After work I have reports to write and a husband to spend time with so after work isn’t an feasible option for me.

Okay, now to rest.  I still don’t want to get up early and run….

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Contemplation, getting in shape, journaling, Life, lifecoaching, Me, Native American Women, running

Pride, Dignity, and Grace

You’ve heard the old adage, fake it til you make it?  Yeah, that how I live my life.  I’ve yet to have a job that I knew how to do until I was hired and trained.  Everything I did at those jobs, I learned as I went.  I totally faked it until I made it.

Is that a bad thing?  I think not.  What’s the secret to faking it while you take the time to make it?  Pride, dignity, and grace are my secret.  How I look.  Win, lose, or draw is often not as important as how I look as I go.  Faking it, making it look good until I can really do a thing, making it.  Easy peasy.

I was running the other day, I do that now….and I realized that my posture sucked.  My head was down, my arms were limp, my breathing was ragged, and my legs were barely moving.  Fake it, lift my head up.  Fake it, pull my shoulders back.  Fake it, breathe evenly, count three breaths in, three breaths out.  Fake it, see that line painted on the road and make my feet hit that line every time.  Fake it, stretch my stride just one more inch.

Pride, head up.  Dignity, shoulders back.  Grace, feet flowing across the ground.

Next thing I knew, I was half a mile down the road.  So it seems that I am still faking it until I make it.  What I have learned over the years that is that no matter what, I will look good while I am doin it…whatever “it” is.

As you drive past me, you will think “wow, I wish I could run like her”.  I will finish the race, eventually.  I will look good while I am running.  You will not know how hard I have to work to look like I am a natural, or to look like I run miles and miles every single day.  I will know how hard this is, I will know about those beginning steps, I will know just how fake it was until I made it.

I still have 1.5 miles to add to my run.  I still have 1 minute and 15 seconds to shave off my mile splits to reach my goal.  I will still use pride, dignity and grace to reach my goal.

5K—>I got you!

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Contemplation, Family, getting in shape, Life, Me, Native American Women

I Did A Thing…

I had a  very hard summer.  I lost a lot of weight, I was hospitalized, I have to use insulin now, I gained some weight back, and I finally had to give up sugar, yes, a very hard summer.  But summer is coming to a close.  The wonder of fall is about to begin.  I’m tired.

I know that in addition to having to lose weight I also need to get physical exercise.  I can walk or step or lift weights, or all of the above.  I hadn’t started doing anything and I was getting restless.

Dropping 50lbs wasn’t hard, just hard on my body.  I’ve never been dehydrated before, it wasn’t fun.  I gained back 15lbs once all my cells could function again.  I didn’t realize how sick I had let myself become.  Still, I needed to do something physical.

Out of the blue one evening, my daughter called and informed me that she had signed up to run her first 5K.  I was impressed!  I thought it was about time to start walking but could I actually run again?  I haven’t run for about 15 years and I am 57 now.  I thought about it a couple of days and decided to join her.  I signed up for my first 5K run.

I have until April 2020 to get my self into shape.  I downloaded an app…hahaha, ain’t that the way of it.  I decided that the app was going to be too slow for me.  I push too hard sometimes and so I just jumped in, all by myself.  I’ve been a distance runner before, surely I can do it again.

I chose interval training, you know, some walking and then some jogging.  So far it is working well.  I have a 15:45 mile going.  My goal is 14:29 or less per mile.  I am not running the entire time, yet.  I’m not even up to a full 3.1 mile course.  So far,  1.57 miles a day has been it.  I’m lazy.  I set my alarm everyday, like I’m going to really jump up and start moving….a girl can dream.

I usually get up about half an hour after the alarm.  I let the dogs out, feed the cat and then put my shoes on.  One day I walk the entire course, the next day I do the interval training.  Most days my eyes are still half closed as I take my first few steps.  I gripe, internally, for the first 5 minutes.

I started lengthening my stride.  I don’t take those little baby steps as I slowly jog along.  Now I am taking actually running strides.  I’m proud of that.  Oh, I don’t run far with that stride, but I do run now.

I will be 58 when this race happens.  As always, I want to look good as I cross the finish line, no matter what my final time will be.

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Contemplation, Family, journaling, Life, lifecoaching, Me, meditaton, Native American Women, Writing

The Day I Started Taking Over the World

 

It was a long time ago, this story’s beginning.  A child was trying to be born.  Her mother, just a child herself, a little bitty sprite of woman.  Still three months shy of her 17th birthday, not 100 lbs., tiny, bound and determined to be someone’s mother.  Her small size was causing major havoc on her body this day.

The things that she should have known, she did not.  The things to do, what to expect when going through your first child birth, the danger signs, what to tell your doctor…all of this she was not aware of, not because she was incapable, but because she was alone.  Raised by her grandmother, mom left when she was very young.  Pregnant on purpose, because if she was pregnant, they had to let her get married.  A husband who was about 5 minutes older than she.  You might say, she was an angry young person to do all of the things her father and grandmother told her not to do, and you would be correct.  Nevertheless, here she was, in labor with her first child.

Now it was time.  While modern as hell, it was 1962, and the things they know now, were not the things they knew then.  They pumped a lot of drugs into that tiny body as she was ready to give birth.  Her labor was long and hard.  When the child finally emerged, she was blue, lifeless.  Fetal monitors not what they are these days, I can’t tell you whether the medical staff expected this or not.  But the young woman had now gone into seizure immediately after the birth and it took the concentrated effort of the entire medical team to save her life.  The stillborn child was placed on a cold table next to the gurney and forgotten as they worked to keep the little bitty woman alive.

Minutes pass, the mother-to-be will survive.  As the doctor and his nurses continue to stabilize her, for no reason anyone can name, that little blue baby begins to wail.  She announces her presence like it is no ones business.  Everyone turns in surprise, maybe even awe.  Not expected, not expected at all.

Flash forward, 56 years later…no matter how I have lived my life in the past, I think about how I began in this life.  No, I don’t remember it, this is the story that my mother told me, more than once.  No matter what kind of decisions I made in the past, I make them now with this story in my heart.  I still do this to people, still, for no reason anyone can name, announce my presence…and yes, sometimes with a wail.

What do you say to a person who started out like that?  What do you expect from someone who decided to live even when others thought she would not?  I asked this of myself, more than you think.  I continue to answer myself every day.

 

 

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Contemplation, journaling, Life, lifecoaching, Me, Native American Women, Nature, Writing

56 Bottles of…

I’ve been having a really hard time of things this week.  Winter does that to me from time to time.  I have claimed to be of the Bear clan.  Winter can be quite confusing.  My mind racing some days and other days, I just not sure who I am.  I eat too much, want to sleep to much.  The earth is supposed to be at rest right here in my neck of the woods, but some days, it isn’t.  Even this little bit of writing just looks like a jumble of words to me tonight.

I have had some clearer moments this week.  The cold does that to me, as well.  I see better when the cold kills the pollution in the air.  I watched some geese flying south.  I thought for a minute, how strange it was to see geese flying so late in the season.  Not that winter is half-way gone or anything…but if I were a goose, I think I would have high-tailed it to the beach long before mid-January.  The squirrels have been crazy-busy.  All those black walnuts I painstakingly raked out of my yard are now being dug up, from the middle of the yard, and spirited away to hidey-holes.  With all this activity I am not surprised at every new announcement of snow storms approaching.  Reminds me of that joke about the weatherman predicting a bad winter, because he saw the Indians cutting lots of fire wood…and the Indians cutting lots of fire wood, because the weather man predicted a bad winter….the announcements for the weather come way before either, said the geese and the squirrels.

The hills, now with bare trees looks like some old man’s balding head.  His hair sticking straight up and his scalp all white since the first snows fell.  I see houses out in the woods that I had not seen since last winter.  I wonder what those folks think when they see cars rolling up and down the highway, that they hadn’t seen since last winter.

I completed two video “how to” courses this month.  I have some webinars to attend…maybe that’s part of my problem, it feels like I have physically done something, but I haven’t.  I’ve only missed one day of work due to bad roads, but it feels like I haven’t been in a long time.  OK, so maybe it’s just the cold weather, bad roads and sitting in the house for several days.

And then there’s the 56…in a couple of weeks I won’t be 55 anymore.  I’m not sure what to do next.  I’ve never been here before.  It’s not time to retire, but I’m no spring chicken.  I love my job, I hate my job, there are so many things to do, and I don’t want to do anything.  It’s a strange mood.  I begin to understand how some of my ADHD friends feel all the time, minds jumping around from one thing to another.  They seem to handle it better than I have been.  This winter seems to be making me a bit crazy.  My upcoming birthday seems to have done the same.

Truth be told, I’ve been “a bit crazy” for a long time, I just don’t think I noticed it, or at least I haven’t admitted it to myself.  How many days until spring?  Perhaps by then my mind, my thoughts, my everything will have settled and I won’t be so…whatever this is.

 

 

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Contemplation, getting in shape, journaling, Life, lifecoaching, Me, Native American Women

Arguments with the Crazy Lady

The alarm went off at 7am.  That’s not too early for many people but for the crazy lady, it was way too early.  I lay in bed and my body is begging me to get up and get moving but the crazy lady in my head wants to know what the hell is going on.  Twenty minutes, we argued for twenty minutes.

Finally, I rolled out of bed and got onto the elliptical.  That’s when the arguing finally stopped but only because, thanks to many mornings of marching 3 miles in the cold and the dark-thank you Air Force training, I learned to walk in my sleep.  My body was happy because we were finally accomplishing the number one goal of the month and the crazy lady was happy because she went back to sleep.

I will have to use the machine for many days.  My driving schedule gets me out the door not too long after the sun has risen and I don’t get home until after it is dark or very near to dark.  This is the Hoosier National Forest.  There are big cats, wolves, coyotes, vampires, Sasquatch and the like in these woods, I’m no fool.  Not to mention, it’s freaking cold outside now.  Turns out, I like walking in my shorts and tank top when it’s 18 degrees outside.

Twenty minutes into the workout my husband was out of bed and rounded the corner of the living room to look at me with raised eyebrows.  I said “good morning” and he smiled and walked into the kitchen to start the coffee brewing.  He returned a few minutes later and  asked me if I wanted some lights.  As he was reaching for a lamplight, I told him no.  He just shrugged and walked back into the kitchen.

Five times the sun has risen since that first argument.  Three days of the five, we had a big difference of opinion as to what was supposed to be happening at 7am.  But I did it.  I got up every morning and did my exercise.  I cannot honestly say that I have lost any weight, it’s only been five days, but I can say that maybe, just maybe, I am becoming a morning person.

I will not be able to skip a day in my routine.  I am wired to quit and say ” later, I can do this later”.  I am trying to change my inner dialog, trying to become a morning person.  I find that starting my day with a brisk 30 minute walk has helped my mentality.  I do more, think faster, engage easier.  I still need my coffee but I can talk before I take the first sip…talk and make sense.  That’s new.  I work all day, get my reports done after dinner, meditate in the mornings, journal as I need to.  This might actually be working for me.

I think that the crazy lady will always object, she is definitely a night owl.  We don’t argue at night, about bed time.  I am usually up until midnight or later.  I think, for now, I will pick my battles carefully and not complain too much about needing to get to bed earlier.

My alarm is set.  My projects are lined up for completion.  My business is getting pushed into the front of my “to-do” list.  I will get up a little earlier than I used to and get on the elliptical machine and walk for a while.

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Contemplation, Cooking, getting in shape, journaling, Life, Me, Native American Women, Writing

Skinny Me

Ha!  Skinny me, my ass.  I am on the Keto diet these days.  I am actually losing weight.  I really don’t miss the bread.  Twice this week my husband had made cookies, chocolate chip and monster cookies.  I would like to say that I am mad, but I am not.  Over all, it has not been bad. But for the last two days I haven’t been able to hit my protein and fat macros.  Getting to the carb macros has been easy since I can only have 15 carbs a day.

I am thinking that for the next week I need to add a lot of salad.  I feel the need to add to more fiber.  Tomorrow will be tough.  It is time for a woman’s sweat and there will be women, so there will be food.  I will have to prepare my food ahead of time to stay on track.  I did ok today with pork rinds and beef sticks…can you imagine, pork rinds and beef sticks for breakfast/lunch?  Wow.

I have been tracking my ketones and I have been steady in Ketosis for the last two  weeks.  I think that if I weren’t seeing any results then I would just quit.  But I am seeing stuff happen.  This is exciting for me.  My body has excess ketones, my blood sugar has dropped dramatically, my weight is dropping (more slowly than my daughters) but dropping, nonetheless.  I am off both diabetic meds, one I have been on for years.  Yep, exciting.

I have started exercising, kind of…I am raking leaves and walnuts out of the yard.  There are 14 walnut trees in our yard, there are a lot of walnuts.  But, it is burning some calories.  I haven’t had a pop since Oct 1st.  I haven’t had a slice of bread since Oct 1st.  I am even starting to be OK with the stevia in my coffee in the morning.  Ever heard of Zevia?  It is pop with stevia in it.  No calories, not carbs but it tastes like diet pop, I hate it.

Maybe tomorrow won’t be too tough.  I cannot tell you how many times I just wanted to pull into a fast food drive thru today, but didn’t.  I was hungry.  I hated that I didn’t have time to eat breakfast at home.  Friday’s suck for me with all the work requirements I have.  I just can’t convince myself to get out of bed before 7am and by the time I wake up and have a coffee, write a few reports and fax them out the where they are supposed to go, it is time to leave and there I am, heading out the door without proper nourishment.  I need to plan the better.

Sometimes I do just sit around and dream about the old days and I wonder if  you can make a decent frybread with almond flour….cloud frybread?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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